How do I people-please less so I can start being me more?

Are you afraid of saying no? 

Do you feel you disappoint others when you say what you want? 

Do you do whatever you can to avoid conflicts? If this happens regularly, you may be a people-pleaser.

Don’t get us wrong. Being kind is a wonderful thing!

Not making space for you while you stretch every bit of yourself for others is unhealthy.

Tough Love

You may be a nice person, maybe very nice. Others feel good around you. And you often feel good doing things for other people. This can be a genuine source of pride; you are easy-going and can adapt to many situations.

Think about recent moments when you were nice to others. Write the last 3-5 moments down. 

In those moments: Did you say ‘yes’ before asking yourself is this what I really want to do? Did you agree to do something to prevent an argument or conflict? Did you do something as a way to apologize for something that objectively was not your fault?

People-pleasing will cost you your energy, your time, your health and at worst your identity.

There may be many reasons you choose to people-please. And you may have convinced yourself it’s not that bad. You do have happy moments. Your being able to ‘handle it’ is a personal sign of strength and devotion. Right?

No. The truth is you are being emotionally drained, consciously and unconsciously. You are dedicating so much energy and time to others while neglecting you. There are 3 signs:

1. You are changing your words or actions based on what you think others want and deliberately pushing aside what you may want when it conflicts with what others want.

2. You change your words or actions to not upset someone else and in the process confuse or even deliberately misrepresent how you actually feel to avoid a conflict.

3. You have an ideal image of yourself you want others to see and often keep who you really are a secret in fear of losing what you believe that ideal image gives you.

After reading those, you may still feel:  ‘so what if I bury my wants from time to time?’ My friends and family mean everything to me! Losing any of their love and warmth is too big of a risk!!

If that fear overwhelms you, consider this perspective:

you CAN voice what you want and still have their love.

To some, that sounds like a fantasy. But yes it can happen.

So many of us have found that when we finally have the courage to voice our needs, our loved ones are grateful that we finally said what we wanted!

True loved ones will feel closer to you because you were vulnerable enough to trust them with your feelings and needs.

Signs of Being a people-pleaser

A people-pleaser consistently prioritizes the needs and desires of others, often to their own detriment. They often struggle to say no, are scared of disappointing others, and go to great lengths to avoid conflict, even when it means neglecting their own well-being. 

This behavioral pattern is driven by a strong need for approval and acceptance. 

If you are unsure if you are a people-pleaser, and instead just very nice, let’s review some signs of people-pleasing so you can decide for yourself.

1) You want everyone to like you and will change your words or actions to please them. You feel anxious when someone is upset with you, even when you know it's irrational. You worry how others perceive you so you go beyond your limits and personal wants to be accepted and liked.

2) You have trouble saying no. You find it difficult to decline requests or demands, even when they are inconvenient or overwhelming. And at times, you immediately regret it.

3) You often ask others what they want before asking yourself what you want. You rarely ask for help or express your own needs. You intentionally (and unintentionally) neglect your personal needs to accommodate others and feel resentful afterwards.

4) You actively work to avoid conflict. You avoid expressing your opinions or needs to prevent potential arguments or disagreements. Part of you may worry about losing someone if you do voice how you think and feel. Or hearing conflict triggers past memories you prefer not to relive.

5) You over-commit. You may think you’re being strong for others but you know damn well you are overwhelmed and are overextending yourself to ‘be there’ for others. You have accepted a higher level of stress and frequent exhaustion as part of your normal day.

6) You over-apologize and at times take the blame when something is objectively not your fault. 

7) You fear being rejected and will choose to do what you don’t want in an effort to prevent being ‘rejected.’

8) You don’t want to look inward to honestly discover what you really need because pleasing others IS your sense of fulfillment! But you often like you're not the real you. You may even feel like you’re living someone else’s life.

9) You feel guilty saying No.

Why do I people-please?

There may be many reasons why you feel a deep urge to be agreeable, helpful, and self-sacrificing.

Even when it hurts.

At its core, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism. It often develops in childhood environments where love, safety, or acceptance felt conditional. Maybe you learned that being "the good kid" and kept the peace. Or perhaps you were taught to prioritize others’ feelings to avoid being rejected, criticized, or punished.

While a mental health professional can better help you understand if a past trauma such as abuse or neglect led to you adopting a people-pleasing behavior to survive (and cope with trauma), here are some reasons we can share why you may people-please:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment. You worry that if you don't meet others' expectations, you will be rejected or abandoned. 

• Low self-worth. You may consciously or unconsciously believe your value is tied to how much you can please others. 

• Anxiety around conflict. You learned from your childhood how to ‘keep the peace’ by being agreeable and have continued that behavior into adulthood.

• Perfectionism. You have this deep inner desire to be seen as ‘good,’ ‘kind,’ or actually ‘perfect’ and present yourself to others in a way that masks the real you so you can always meet others’ expectations.

• An external desire for approval or validation. Your self-image has been shaped by how helpful you are to others; in turn others’ validation helps you feel okay about you instead of you deciding how you feel about you.

• Family or cultural conditioning. In some cultures and families, being a ‘good child’ is valued highly and constant self-sacrifice can be confused with familial love.

  
  

Tips on How to Approach Social Scenarios

If it is not clear already, chronic people-pleasing will exact an emotional toll on you. You will feel exhausted often, be frustrated with yourself - and secretly with others - and resent the fact that you are always doing things for others while feeling unfulfilled yourself.

If you can admit to yourself you often people-please at your own expense, that is the first step towards undoing an unhealthy learned behavior.

So how can you reclaim your voice to prevent reflexive people-pleasing?

Since people-pleasing comes naturally, practice pausing. 

Specifically when someone asks you something or suggests an activity or plan, take 3 seconds to ask yourself if you know what you want. 

If the answer is “I don’t know,” tell them “I’ll think on it and get back to you soon.” 

This way you are not overcommitting or instigating an argument/conflict. You are giving yourself space to make an informed decision by asking yourself privately what you want.

When you know you don’t want to do something, say ‘No.’ That will probably feel impossible to do in the moment. And at first, it will be. As you build your self-esteem, you will more reflexively know you are not hurting the other person when you can’t always say ‘Yes.’

And when you do say ‘No,’ do not over-explain why. 

For example, if you say more than 3 sentences, you are over-explaining. But if you say just one word, ‘No,’ you are likely being rude. 

Decline and give a short reason why. One to two sentences max.

Recognize your Limitations and Boundaries

Why didn’t we list more tips on how to approach social scenarios? 

Partly because learning to say ‘No’ helps you establish healthy boundaries, which are fundamental to your emotional well-being. 

But what if you’re scared to say what you want to do instead? We know for habitual people-pleasers it can be very difficult to start being honest with yourself and stop letting others steal your peace.

Step one is being honest with yourself!

If you feel upset after saying ‘Yes’ to someone or doing something for someone else but you can’t understand why you’re upset, one of two things likely happened:

1) You crossed a personal boundary to be there for the other person.

2) You didn’t do what you wanted to do instead, even if you can’t verbalize what that other thing would have been.

Or worse, both!

Step 2 is realizing every healthy person has both limitations and boundaries. 

Limitations 

A limitation refers to personal capacity. You cannot be expected to carve out time and always be there for someone else. 

You need to distinguish between times they genuinely need you and when they don’t really need you. When they genuinely need you, be there for them as you always have been. That’s part of how you love! 

It’s those moments in which they don’t really need you and you are already stretched as it is that you need to start practicing saying ‘No.’ When you do say ‘No,’ say it respectfully and honestly. 

For example, you can say “I can’t be there this time. I’m swamped right now” or “ I have other plans already.” 

You don’t need to apologize for not always saying ‘Yes.” If you’re in a healthy relationship, the other person should understand.

Boundaries

A boundary relates to your values and needs. 

If you are compromising either to be there for the other person, you are people-pleasing at the expense of what makes you YOU. Sympathy for the other person cannot rule your decision. Yes you can empathize verbally with them, but you should not act against your values or needs to be there for them.

It takes practice, but this is how you start to love yourself more and build your self esteem. 

Part of your challenge is that you may not even know what your boundaries are because you’ve crossed them so many times that you’re actually unsure of where they are. 

In this case, pay attention to how you feel. How uncomfortable is the situation? The more uncomfortable it feels the more likely it is that that is crossing your boundary. Start recognizing that because that is how you start recognizing You and how others will start to recognize you as well.

If you’re wondering, “can I do both?” What they want and what I want? The answer is YES! 

But only if you actually voice what you want. No one is expected or should be expected to read your mind. 

It is unrealistic and unfair to think that others should read your mind. It feels wonderful when the other person does ‘read your mind,’ but in a healthy relationship, you cannot expect that of anyone. You can want loved ones to recognize your needs and be there for you like you are for them.

Setting boundaries will help you to find out what you want. When you do know, say it out loud so others can hear you. (You don’t need to shout at them; actually it’s better if you don’t.)

Address Guilt

Will you lose something if you stop people-pleasing? Yes. Guilt.

It may seem counterintuitive since every time you have said ‘No,’ you immediately felt guilty. Minutes felt like hours and your instinct, perhaps your entire being, told you that you must please another to not feel guilty.

Recognizing your limitations and boundaries is healthy.

Healthy guilt, for lack of a better term, is not expressing yourself, for not being you and wanting to be you!

Every healthy person recognizes they have needs and learns to identify them. Be kind to yourself and admit you want to be healthy and recognize your needs.

Don’t fall into the trap of confusing guilt with discomfort. Part of growth is stepping out of the familiar and embracing change, which by its nature can feel uncomfortable.

To identify guilt, ask yourself what value or personal need am I neglecting? If you value family, the expectation is not being there every single time you are asked to be; it’s being there when you can and vice versa. 

If you need to do a good job at work, the expectation is not to work every single day, even when you are sick. Self care, such as taking sick days when needed and vacation days to relax your mind and body, is absolutely critical to giving your best at your job when you are available to work.

Moving Forward By Building Your Self-Esteem

Tune into your body and recognize how you feel. Stop saying you can do everything! 

Tough love: it’s unrealistic to think that you can do everything. That’s actually self-sabotage.

You are intentionally hurting yourself and hurting others you care about by stupidly ignoring that you are a human with limitations and personal needs. If you stubbornly disagree, read the tough love sentence above again (and as often as you need until reality sinks in).

You need to rebuild your self-trust. Your self-esteem.

At first, when you voice your wants and start saying no, others in your life may be caught off guard. Since you often people-please, this is new to them. Whatever their reaction is, even if it’s silence, could be disquieting to you. Sit with it. Don’t immediately apologize or do a 180 and start people-pleasing again.

If you apologize for stating what you need, then you are indicating to the other person you don’t deserve anything. And that’s actually unfair to both of you.

It’s likely obvious why it would be unfair to you but you may be telling yourself - I’m used to it. But in a healthy relationship, the other person wants to know the real you, and they only can know the real you if you voice it.

Of course we all have had some unhealthy relationships in our lives. People-pleasers are no strangers to this phenomenon. There may be those in your life who may have been taking advantage of your always being there. When you assert yourself, they might react shittily. 

Here’s another hard truth - you can be more emotionally healthy for not continuing to be there for them.

And if you have individuals who keep reacting adversely when you state your limitations and boundaries, those are individuals you may need to seriously consider spending significantly less time with or cutting out of your life completely. (In this scenario, you may do well to make new friends, who do respect your limitations and boundaries.)

Keep focusing on understanding your needs and values and setting boundaries.

In emotionally healthy relationships, people will respect you more for knowing your needs, limitations and boundaries, communicating them and finding ways to compromise. You are giving them a clearer way to be there for you!

This is difficult and it is a journey.

You are allowed to evolve. If you were the ‘reliable one’ or ‘the fixer,’ others in your life will notice a change when you start voicing your needs and setting boundaries. Remember, that’s growth.

Start with one person in your life who you believe you have a healthy relationship with and go on from there. Gradually be honest with yourself, state what you need and want and build your self esteem!

Don’t immediately become selfish or cold to others! Being kind is part of you, a wonderful part of you. Balance your needs with others in your life so you can gradually let go of your guilt and become a more authentic You on your life journey.

*And if you feel you need further support, there is no shame in admitting it. Please seek out counseling or therapeutic options as well.