How do I make real friends after 30? (Please don’t say there’s an app for that!)

Why is it so hard to make real friends as an adult? In college it seemed to happen so naturally; in our 20s it felt more effortless to keep in touch and hang out with friends; but after completing our degrees and starting to make headway in our careers, making and maintaining friendships seem much more difficult now.

You keep seeing ads saying try this or that app but you don’t want a ‘single-serving friend.’ You’re looking to make a real friend. Maybe more than one.

Why Is Making Friends After 30 So Hard?

If you’re a working professional searching for friends after 30, you’re not alone! Finding time to make friends is a real challenge. Your day can be full of meetings and in your free time, you’re just managing to get in a workout, run errands, and maybe stream a show at home to unwind a bit before the grind tomorrow.

In university, your friends may have lived down the hall! Now so many are in different zip codes, some have moved in with their significant other and some may already have children.

Keeping in touch isn’t as easy as “let’s meet up for a drink tomorrow.”

Social Circles Shrink

Building a career takes significant time and effort, and as we all move into different life phases, our former social circles shrink. 

Work friends move on to different companies and we see them less and less. Friends find new opportunities and we see what’s happening in their lives on social media much more so than hear about it in person. 

Your own life has more responsibilities today than when you were younger. Today, you may be experiencing:

• Longer work hours and traveling for work, which reduces your ‘free time’

• Raising a child (or children) you love dearly and of course deserve some of your time and energy

• Lower energy levels compared to your 20s (it’s natural to not want to stay up all night when you have work the next day)

• Group chats that go cold when friends and loved ones get busy in their own lives

  
  

Routines Help You Be Productive But Can Limit Time to Socialize

Staying on top of your shit doesn’t just happen!

It is healthy to have some type of routine so you can give 100% at work and manage other life commitments. Yet you likely never intended that spontaneity would just disappear from your life. 

Some days you may wish you could just text a friend on-the-fly, “let’s grab dinner tonight?” Feels like these days if you don’t plan in advance (sometimes too far in advance), socialization just doesn’t happen. And more often than not, while you’re busy getting everything you need to get done, you don’t even realize where your week went before it’s over!

Vulnerability Is Harder as We Grow Older

When you were younger, you were having many new life experiences. 

Going to college, getting your first job, moving into your first apartment, so many new experiences! To adapt to these new experiences, you had to consciously and unconsciously be vulnerable. 

Now that you have finished school and moved past the start of your career, you found (some) stability and being vulnerable feels harder.

What if you put yourself out there and the potential new friend:

• Judges you for being more successful? Or you envy their success?

• Works with you so you’re wary of blending personal and professional?

• Ghosts you after you broke your routine to let them into your life?

These fears are real and naturally cause you to want to put your guard up.

Moving Forward: Develop the Right Mindset First

Friendships are important to your emotional well-being! 

Yes, your routine matters and you likely worked very hard to achieve what you have today. 

Finding new friends and building connections with those you already know isn’t about upending your world in the process. It’s about opening ourselves up in a way in which we allow for new experiences without preconceived expectations.

All of us deserve some people, or even just one person, who can be a kind ear, share some laughs and who we can be there for to show we care.

Be Ready to Commit

Friendships rarely just happen; they take effort and time. Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, takes energy and dedication. Mentally prepare for that.

• Schedule social time just like you would a meeting. Whether it’s a weekly lunch or a monthly get-together, put it on your calendar.

• Don’t be flaky! No one appreciates the new person who always cancels or can never show up on time. Respect the other person.

• Keep putting yourself out there. Making friends is a process and every interaction builds your social muscle. If it takes time, there is no reason to be discouraged. You may not have met the people you click with yet. No worries! Keep it up!

  
  

Be Consistent and Do Low-Key Check-Ins

Friendships after 30 aren’t built in a week. 

People are busy, plans fall through, and everyone’s plate is full. The secret is following up in ways that don’t feel clingy or demanding but show you’re still interested in connecting.

Easy ways to keep in touch:

• Like or comment on their social updates, especially if they relate to your shared interest.

• Drop a quick check-in: “Saw this and thought of you,hope your work trip went well!”

• Send a funny meme, recipe, or article you talked about.

• Float occasional group plans. “A few of us are thinking drinks after work on Thursday,want in?”

• Invite your friend to an errand hang out. For example, you do groceries together. That way you get chores done and you socialize.

• Accept that not every message gets a response. People are swamped, and slow replies aren’t rejection.

  
  

Consistency matters more than intensity. 

You don’t have to chat every day. Staying on their radar with kindness and zero pressure helps your new friendship settle in naturally, instead of fizzling out or turning awkward.

The hardest part of making friends after 30 is moving from acquaintance to real connection. Lean on shared moments, stay low-key, and let things grow at their own pace. 

The best friendships are built with steady, honest steps, not forced plans.

Be the Initiator (it’s important to you)

Waiting for someone else to make the first move can lead to a lot of missed opportunities.

• Take the lead on planning get-togethers. A simple brunch invite or "wanna check out this new movie?" can turn acquaintances into friends.

• Don’t obsess about rejection. Yes, someone might be busy or uninterested. But most people are flattered and appreciative that you reached out.

• Follow up. If you meet someone you’d like to know better, be ready to say, "It was fun chatting with you. Want to grab coffee sometime?"

  
  

Be Vulnerable. Go Deep, Not Wide

You don’t want a million friends. Start with a few good ones.

• Focus on quality over quantity. It’s better to nurture 2-3 meaningful friendships than try to maintain 15 shallow ones.

• Be intentional about deepening connections. Ask real questions. Share about your life. Be vulnerable.

  
  

Be the Kind of Friend You Want to Have

Friendship is a two-way street and if you focus only on what they are giving you, you are going to drain/turn off the other person.

• Be supportive, kind, and reliable. Show up for others in the way you want them to show up for you.

• Celebrate their wins. Text them on big days. Remember the little things.

• Be honest and open. Real connection happens when you stop performing and start showing up as your real self.

  
  

Make It Easy to Stay in Touch

Busy schedules mean that communication needs to be low-effort but high-impact. Use voice notes or short video messages to stay connected on the go.

Be sure to take a moment to respond to text and calls. You’re a busy person but responding shows you care about this friendship. And when appropriate, create a group chat with new friends to keep conversations going.

Practical Techniques to Make Friends

Now here are some practical techniques for making friends after 30:

Embrace Your Interests

One of the simplest ways to meet new people is by diving into activities you love. When you engage in hobbies you’re passionate about, you're more likely to find others who share those same interests.

Reflect on what truly excites you. 

Whether it's pottery, hiking, or reading, seek out clubs or classes that revolve around these activities. For example, if you're interested in cooking, consider signing up for a local cooking class. These relaxed and open environments encourage natural conversations that can lead to lasting connections.

And feel free to experiment with potential new interests! Meeting someone while outside of your comfort zone can result in a wonderful relationship you never thought possible. For example, go to a salsa lesson, check out a new (and potentially) hard class at the gym or join a sports league even if you’re not athletic. Even trying one class will expose you to new people you otherwise may never meet.

Look At Your Network

Often, those in your professional circle hold untapped potential for friendship. Colleagues, industry contacts, or former classmates might not only understand your career journey but could also be seeking friendships themselves.

Don't hesitate to reach out. Suggest grabbing coffee or lunch with someone you admire in your field. 

By being clear about your intentions, you can create space for a more personal relationship.

Attend Relevant Workshops and Conferences

Instead of generic meetups, attend workshops and conferences that align with your professional interests. While these events focus on skill development, they also offer a prime opportunity to forge connections with others who share your interests and aspirations.

Participate in sessions actively. Ask questions, join discussions, and show enthusiasm about the topics.

By connecting with someone over mutual interests, you set the stage for future meetups that can evolve into meaningful friendships.

Volunteer in Your Community

Volunteering is a fantastic way to give back while also meeting people who share your values. Whether you choose to help at local charities, animal shelters, or food banks, you are likely to encounter others passionate about similar causes.

For example, participating in a community cleanup event could lead to bonding with fellow volunteers. Sharing fulfilling experiences can create camaraderie that lasts.

Additional Tips:

Make the Most of Your Current Friendships

Take a look at your current friendships. Are there acquaintances with whom you feel a connection but haven't explored further? Invite them for coffee or a walk, and gradually introduce deeper discussions over time.

It's also beneficial to connect with mutual friends. Introductions can widen your social network and lead to new friendships. Being proactive in nurturing these relationships can pay off as you build towards stronger bonds.

Share Your Home

Inviting others to your home can deepen relationships. Hosting a casual gathering, like a game night or potluck, creates a comfortable environment for friends to interact.

Encourage attendees to bring a friend.

This can expand your social circle and enrich your connections. Sharing experiences in your space makes for memorable moments and strengthens bonds.

Recognize Potential Minefields

Being vulnerable to new people and new experiences does not mean opening yourself up to obviously risky situations.

The following examples are tempting, but exercise caution:

• Old college friends: You may only have fond nostalgia with friends from university. After you meet for dinner, drinks or coffee, ask yourself “did we talk about our lives today?” “Was the majority, if not the entirety, of our happiest moments catching up just reminiscing about old times?“ “If we met up again, would we get to know each other as we are today?”

• Making friends at the office: Approach work friendships more slowly than you would friends you made or would make outside of the office. If you see/work with this person regularly, a friendship fallout can affect both your professional and personal life! If you ever dated a coworker , then you know what the extreme of a breakup can feel like at work. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with coworkers. Just be a bit more patient rushing into anything.

• Befriending an ex: This is full of complications! Yes, they are familiar but old baggage will resurface. Unless you both are in new relationships and feel comfortable hanging out as a double-date, you need to exercise caution. Just because you had great times together and ended things on good terms does not mean befriending an ex is what you are looking for right now. Familiar does not necessarily mean healthy.

  
  

Cultivating Friendships Are Part of Our Life Journeys

Building friendships after 30 doesn't have to be a challenge. By engaging in your interests, leveraging your professional network, volunteering, and being open to new experiences, you can create meaningful connections.

Embrace the journey. Be open, vulnerable, and committed to investing time in building friendships. 

Step out of your comfort zone and embark on the rewarding path of forming real friendships that can enrich your life immensely.